


I’m Here to Remind You My Love Remains

by KrystalM



Series: Remain [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Breaking Up & Making Up, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Friends to Lovers, Lovers To Enemies, Lovers to Friends, M/M, Misunderstandings, Post-Break Up, Professor-Student Relationship, Teacher-Student Relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-14
Updated: 2016-05-14
Packaged: 2018-06-08 08:33:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6847294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrystalM/pseuds/KrystalM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock was a professor for Starfleet Academy when he met first year Cadet James Tiberius Kirk, a rash, illogical, overly emotional human being who despite his initial first bad impression, had turned Spock's world upside down with everything that he is. Falling in love with a human like Jim was fascinating and scary at the same time for Spock as he endeavoured a relationship with the cadet for three years--until their relationship started to crack. </p><p>Misunderstanding each other and not resolving their problems, their relationship ended terribly on their third year, forcing Spock and Jim to be on their separate ways, Spock serving for U.S.S Enterprise and Jim with U.S.S Farragut. </p><p>Six years later, they meet again, this time as Captain of U.S.S Enterprise and First Officer of U.S.S Enterprise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I’m Here to Remind You My Love Remains

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [All My Love Will Remain](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4157499) by [KrystalM](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrystalM/pseuds/KrystalM). 



> Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, the places or--anything else that I seemed to have extracted from the movie or anything similar. I just own the plot. In other words, not mine!
> 
> A/N: Hey~! So, yes, yes, this is the Spock's POV for the story All My Love Will Remain, as you can already guess from the companion title. Heh. I know most of you guys wanted to know how Spock felt throughout the story and at first, I really didn't want to write it because it was a very long story, but then...after a few months, it got me thinking about the idea a bit more and so--here it is! I'm not sure yet if I want to continue writing the next chapter. I guess, it depends on how you guys like this first one~ 
> 
> This is my first time writing in Spock's POV and I think I...failed //coughhumanherecough//. But anyways! Just enjoy it and let me know what you guys thought! And those who haven't read the first story, don't worry, you can just start from here in Spock's POV. It's just the same story with--different POV. :DD
> 
> Until next time~! -Krystal
> 
> P.S: The title of All My Love Will Remain and I'm Here to Remind You My Love Remains, is both borrowed from the song, 'Remain' by Royal Tailor. Love that song~ <33 And it's basically the entire 'soundtrack' for my stories ehe...//slap

 

 

Spock had always been a perfectionist. He had always wanted everything neatly organised and systematically working in order to get the best results in all of his works. That was how he functioned, that was the most—logical way to live. 

 

Following the Teaching of Surak, Spock was the role model for a Vulcan. 

 

Even a full Vulcan was never as Vulcan as him—a half-Human half-Vulcan hybrid. 

 

That was what he was known in his home world. A half-breed. So, he dedicated his whole life to become logical. Despite his mother being Human, he led his life more towards logic and repression of emotions. 

 

It was the most logical thing to do. 

 

Indeed. 

 

So, when an illogical thing happened, the only solution was to avoid the problem at all cost from getting even more entangled and messy. But that problem was not a theory that needed to be proven wrong or a language grammar that needed to be corrected—it was the persistence of a Human male who wanted to see him, wanted to talk to him—wanted to know him. 

 

He met Cadet James Tiberius Kirk when the cadet was in his first year. 

 

It was also the moment when his whole logical order of life flew out of the window as if it never existed in the first place. 

 

The first time Spock met Jim was actually just hearing from rumours floating around the campus. This particular first-year cadet was notorious for his womanising behaviour despite him being the Iowa genius from where he came from. The half-Vulcan didn’t bother with the rumours because it was just that. It was not based on any facts thus it did not possess any merit. 

 

Logical. 

 

But then the cadet joined his summer xenolinguistics class and Spock found himself getting weirdly irked with the blond-haired man. The cadet always sat at the front row, always smiled at him whenever the half-Vulcan caught his blue eyes and always answered his questions, whether it was right or wrong. 

 

The only response Spock ever gave to him was a raise of an eyebrow before continuing with the lecture. The professor didn’t know how to deal with this human. He was unprofessional, not serious in what he did, in fact, Spock had seen the cadet first hand getting ‘handsy’ on someone from his summer class an hour before the class began.

 

Spock avoided entertaining Jim that day as much as he could. 

 

In other words, he believed the human term for that would be ‘ignoring’. 

 

However the blond-haired man didn’t retain from his actions. His eyes gleamed brighter whenever he caught Spock’s eyes and his smiles usually morphed into a grin when the half-Vulcan addressed him personally in front of the classroom.

 

Jim’s carefree personality did not bode well with Spock’s seriousness and logic. 

 

Then, Spock gave out assignments to be completed and when he read through Jim’s work, he was actually—fascinated with the amount of information and literature being embedded in this. It was as if the cadet actually worked hard for the paper. Spock could determine whether the cadet was serious or not in his work, whether he had plagiarised his studies from just one look but for Jim’s assignment, it was as if Spock was reading through a different side of Jim.

 

A truer side. 

 

But that was truly illogical because there was no way Spock could read Jim from just this assignment alone. 

 

And yet. 

 

So, he did the only thing logical to be done. He praised Jim for his work. “Cadet James Tiberius Kirk. If I may have a moment with you.”

 

Jim was just about to leave the room when his name was called. Spock heard distinctive laughter echoed through the room as they looked at Jim and some shook their heads in a mocking manner. Jim simply glanced at them before he looked at Spock. He jogged down the stairs until he reached Spock’s desk. 

 

“Yeah?” he asked with a grin on his face. Spock noticed the visible brightening of those blue eyes and wondered briefly if he had done that by merely addressing his attention on the blond-haired cadet. Just as the thought entered his mind, he pushed it aside and deemed it as unimportant. It was not even Spock’s business. 

 

“Your assignment,” Spock said as he picked up his PADD. Jim tilted his head a bit in what seemed like curiosity and there was a moment, a spark in Spock’s mind when he found how different Jim looked at the moment. The half-Vulcan immediately killed the idea off before he continued to address the main issue of asking Jim to stay behind. “It was excellently written.”

 

It was a short compliment but Spock saw, observed, how ‘bright’ the cadet had become. There was a thud of something in the half-Vulcan and as much as Spock tried to grip on what it was, he couldn’t grasp on this unfamiliarity of himself. 

 

“Really?” Jim had said as he rubbed the back of his neck. “Thanks!”

 

“It—impressed me at how much you had known about the Klingon culture,” Spock said. “Though, I did not peg you as someone who possessed that amount of information about their civilisation.”

 

“Reading, they help,” Jim said with a smile. Spock raised his eyebrows in a manner though he didn’t mean it to be a mock. The blond-haired man simply ignored it before he took a small step forward. The proximity between Spock and Jim decreased and the half-Vulcan noticed the closeness. 

 

He frowned to himself and placed his PADD back on his desk. “That would be all, cadet,” Spock said and dismissed Jim. The blond-haired man stood a few seconds longer before he nodded.

 

“Thanks, Professor,” he said and the warmth in the voice made Spock turn rigid slightly. It felt—familiar to be able to feel such warmness in a tone directed at him. By the time he had looked up, Jim had left the lecture hall and Spock was left alone with his own thoughts.

 

Something in him thrummed gently, as if he was vibrating from within and it was illogical at this. He gathered his things and exited the lecture hall as well. He needed to meditate. Perhaps that would make him think logically again. It was crucial to maintain this stability of himself. 

 

If only he knew beforehand how wrong he had been about his own stability to not feel emotions.

 

After that day, Spock had been trying to focus on his work solely because he needed to maintain his professionalism. He was about to be assigned to a ship in the next two point nine years-time and it was no time now to miss his beat. 

 

However, Jim had started to appear more in his life. Spock had tried to avoid meeting the blond-haired man out of classroom, but it was futile when Jim was everywhere he was. It was as if the cadet was stalking him. Spock furrowed his eyebrows at that thought as he walked out of his lecture hall. That was quite impossible because there was no reason to stalk him in the first place.

 

But then again, Humans had always been a weird creature. His mother had behaved unexplainably a few times and she had simply chalked it up as the weirdness a human was. Spock sometimes wondered what it was that his father had seen in his emotional mother—but he had to admit, there was something special about her, about her emotions that kept his father balanced. 

 

“Hey,” a voice spoke from next to him. Spock abruptly stopped walking when he spotted Jim, standing next to him with a grin. The professor raised his eyebrows and clutched on his briefcase tighter. 

 

“Cadet Kirk,” Spock greeted him. “What can I do for you?”

 

“Oh, nothing,” Jim said as Spock eyed him carefully. 

 

The half-Vulcan waited for the cadet to continue but when he didn’t, Spock raised his eyebrows again. 

 

“Cadet Kirk, if there is nothing to speak of, then I shall take my leave.” Before Spock could start walking away, Jim took a step forward and stopped him. 

 

“I just wanted to say hi, Professor,” Jim said with a soft smile. Spock seemed to be taken aback at the sincerity of it. It didn’t make sense to him though. Why would this cadet come all the way to see him just to say hi? Spock frowned not-so-visibly and nodded. 

 

“I see,” Spock said slowly. “It is nice seeing you too, Cadet Kirk. However, I must leave now. I have assignments to grade.”

 

Jim looked slightly disappointed. Spock however didn’t admit that made the half-Vulcan feel weird inside. “Ah, okay,” Jim said with a grin fully back on his face. “I’ll see you around then!”

 

Before Spock could say anything else, Jim left him alone, jogging down the hallway to get somewhere. At first, Spock didn’t bother about it much. He decided that he would never understand Humans. But Jim was being persistent, sometimes it would be even borderline annoying.

 

It was crowding Spock’s personal space and for a Vulcan, all that emotion being emitted by the cadet was slightly overwhelming. The half-Vulcan never was seen with a positive vibe unless it came to his work. He knew that his social skills lacked, so he wasn’t liked by many. But to think that this cadet had wanted more of Spock’s attention tickled something inside of the Vulcan’s mind. 

 

The blond-haired man would come to him every time he got the chance, sometimes it wasn’t even to talk about his studies. It was just a simple ‘Hi’ or ‘How have you been?’ and it was confusing to Spock that Jim would be so—nice—to him.

 

Then, the summer classes ended. Spock thought that at least now, he would be left alone but his expectations were shattered when Jim appeared even more frequently than before. Then the invitations started and Spock actually found himself accepting them. 

 

*** 

 

Spock drank his Plomeek soup as he looked at his PADD. Jim sat in front of him, eating his sandwich and it was a calm atmosphere, something that Spock had found himself wondering why it felt this way whenever he was with Jim. 

 

The half-Vulcan had even expressed his confusion to Jim on why Jim was doing this when they were just student and professor. Apparently Jim had expressed a different notion. In his point of view, Spock was his—friend. It left a weird taste in the half-Vulcan’s tongue when he tested the words out. Then, he realised, it wasn’t so bad. 

 

At first, the sudden breach of conversation to his private life was shot down. Spock didn’t trust Jim to understand what he went through. Nobody understood the pain he had been through to get to this point of his life and he would not stop until he reached to the top. The way he was shunned by his own colony, the way the Vulcan Science Academy had looked down him just because his mother was Human. 

 

The life he had endeavoured so face wasn’t easy and he didn’t think a simple-minded, emotional, carefree human like Cadet James Tiberius Kirk would understand. It had been two weeks since the invitation of eating lunch together was accepted and here he was, busy with his PADD when Jim decided to speak. 

 

“You know, we don’t actually work during eating too,” Jim pointed out as Spock looked up from his PADD to Jim. The half-Vulcan simply blankly stared at the blond-haired man before he turned his PADD off and placed it next to his food tray. 

 

“If I have made you uncomfortable, I apologise,” Spock said emotionlessly. Jim simply chuckled as if he found this humorous and shook his head. 

 

“No, but you need to loosen up a bit,” Jim commented. “I mean, you look so serious all the time. You can relax with me.”

 

Spock raised his eyebrows. “I believe that whether I am relaxed or not is none of your concern.”

 

Jim’s grin faltered a bit at the edges as he sighed and placed his sandwich on his plate. “Professor Spock,” Jim started. “I didn’t mean to sound intrusive. I’m just—worried for your health, that’s all.”

 

Spock found it weird as to why this Human would worry for his health. “I am perfectly healthy, thank you very much, Cadet Kirk,” Spock said. Jim simply quirked his lips.

 

“I’m your friend, Spock,” Jim said. “Of course I’ll be worried.”

 

Spock felt a twinge of something in his chest at the words though he didn’t approve being called using his name. “Cadet, I believe it is only Professor Spock or sir to you,” Spock said coldly. Jim flinched visibly at that before he shrugged. 

 

“Sorry,” Jim said slowly. 

 

*** 

 

Spock thought that after that day, Jim would have left him alone. But that thought suddenly didn’t settle well in Spock’s mind. It felt wrong, illogical all of a sudden for Jim to no longer come around just because he couldn’t use his name. He sat on his meditation mat in his room and wondered for a second why he couldn’t focus.

 

It had been two days since then and he hadn’t seen Jim around. He scrunched his eyebrows deep as he relaxed himself from his meditating pose. The smell of incense and herbs filled the air. He huffed out his breath equivalent to a Human sigh and stood up from the mat. He rolled it up before he placed it aside. 

 

It had only been a short period of time and the human had managed to strike something deep in the half-Vulcan. The irritation every time Jim smiled or grinned gradually disappeared and Spock found himself actually liking Jim’s attention on him. It was the type of dilemma that took Spock off guard because; didn’t he believe that emotions should not rule the mind? 

 

And yet, he guessed that he had at some point let his emotions rule his mind when it came to Jim.

 

Vulcans did not have friends and yet here he was with a friend like Jim.

 

A human who had the most illogical ideas and wouldn’t just stop talking about how he wanted to be the captain of a star ship one day. Spock had pulled up Jim’s record after the first few times Jim had attended his summer xenolinguistics class and learned that his father was none other than Captain George Kirk for USS Kelvin. 

 

The outstanding record had impressed Spock and to think that Jim had inherited some of his father’s intelligence made Spock fascinated with the blond-haired man. But he still didn’t trust the cadet. How could he? He didn’t think it would benefit any of them if they continued this liaison and yet, he couldn’t bring it in himself to say it out loud. 

 

Spock tensed visibly when he realised maybe he had let his emotion rule most of his logic out for this human already. Something had happened inside of him and he was too unaware with it until it finally caught up to him. 

 

He glanced to the rolled up meditation mat and briefly thought back to meditate again. 

 

Cadet James Tiberius Kirk. 

 

An enigma that Spock was beginning to get curious of. 

 

*** 

 

By the time two point five months had passed, Spock realised he saw more than a few collection of faces that Jim possessed. Most were intriguing and there were some that quirked these curiosities in Spock. It made the half-Vulcan wanted to know more of what Jim was from inside. 

 

And when Jim would leave him for the day, the half-Vulcan would realise he actually felt—lonely. It felt different, this weird emptiness in his mind—no, in his heart. It was as if the human had managed to plant himself deep in Spock and when he decided to just up and leave, he left a gaping hole behind. It was something that should scare Spock from within—but Vulcans did not get scared. 

 

They didn’t do fear.

 

They meditate on this problem and start figuring out a solution for this—and that was what Spock did. 

 

He started with investigating this emptiness by paying close attention to Jim. 

 

“What?” Jim asked when he realised Spock was staring at him. They were in his office, briefly talking about something. Spock had since started to see why the other Humans enjoyed Jim’s companionship. He was easy to talk to, he listened well despite his illogical tendencies to ramble about a certain topic without a point, and he was—Jim. 

 

Along the way, the cadet-professor line that Spock had drew between them started to diminish and by the time two point five months had passed since they met, Spock had found himself relaxing, or more incautious about the way he was in front of Jim. It was weird for the half-Vulcan to be able to do that in front of someone he just met two point five months ago. 

 

But it felt natural and that boggled Spock’s mind even more. The touch-telepath didn’t know what to make of these newly experienced feelings for the blond. Was it platonic? Surely it must be since they were friends. But his mind immediately ruled out that hypothesis as it didn’t fit with his current predicament. 

 

“It is nothing,” Spock said. Jim looked at him with his eyebrows raised, a smile of disbelief played on his lips. 

 

“Really?” he asked. “So, what was I talking about just now?”

 

Spock felt a sudden flutter in his chest. His cheeks greened and he became stiff. Jim spread out his hands in front of him in an unfamiliar gesture before he said, “See? You didn’t even listen! Huh, didn’t think Vulcans zoned out.” 

 

“I did not ‘zone out’ as you put it,” Spock said as he sat against the couch properly. 

 

“Yeah, sure,” Jim said and Spock narrowed his eyes when he saw how Jim didn’t believe him. “Want to tell me what’s on your mind?”

 

“I do not think that is wise,” Spock said as he stood up, deciding that he should occupy himself for a moment, just until he could comprehend just what happened to him a moment ago. Spock knew he was getting close to what this was in his—heart? mind? self?—and the last piece of this puzzle was somewhere in this…thing between them. 

 

Friendship?

 

Platonic admiration?

 

“Spock?” Jim said, his voice was an octave lower, immediately causing Spock to glance at him. 

 

“Yes?”

 

“I was just asking, you know?” Jim said slowly as he licked his lips. Spock turned fully to see him, cataloguing his face. Jim was nervous, Spock noted. Then the question followed after the observation: Why was he nervous?

 

“I believe that was your intended intention, yes,” Spock agreed when Jim didn’t continue. The blond went quiet for a second as he stared at Spock and the half-Vulcan felt…uncomfortable under the gaze. He frowned slightly when his heart gave a thump again. 

 

This was quite ridiculous, he scolded himself mentally. 

 

He had let his emotions rule whenever it came to this cadet in front of him. This was terrible for him. He should immediately find a solution to overcome this problem. As he kept his eyes gazed on Jim as well, hoping he didn’t look intimidated, he was suddenly aware at how blue the blond’s eyes were. 

 

It seemed as if Jim’s eyes didn’t contain just one shade of blue. It was like a few other shades, mixed together to produce this interesting colour. It was—mesmerising was really the only word for it. 

 

His heart gave another loud thump and he looked away when he finally knew what this—emotion was. 

 

He turned around and gathered his things, everything he needed and decided to leave. “I shall take my leave, cadet,” he said stiffly as he left a stunned Jim. Before the blond cadet could say anything more, Spock had found himself hurrying to get to his apartment. 

 

He needed to meditate on this—emotion he seemed to harbour for Jim. It was platonic before, so why had it evolved into this? This affection somewhat numbed the edges of his logic, making him think irrationally for a second. 

 

It was unacceptable. 

 

It was going against everything he learned, everything he grew up believing in. Once he reached his apartment, he didn’t hesitate to dump his things on the coffee table and walked into his bedroom, pulling out the meditating mat.

 

Changing into his meditating clothes, he lighted the incense and sat on the mat, taking in a deep breath. He needed to calm his mind down, he needed to push away all these nonsense and think clearly. 

 

It didn’t work. 

 

Just as he closed his eyes, Jim’s face emerged behind his eyelids and he snapped them open wide. He frowned deeply, showing off how displeased with himself he was. He huffed out gently under his breath as he decided to give this meditation another go. 

 

This time, he purposely focused on Jim, on these emotions and how to overcome them. He analysed every single detail, everything he could remember, everything he could think of, just to find a reason to why he had gone from having platonic thoughts about the cadet to—affection. 

 

His chest felt light with that unfamiliar emotion. He knew Vulcans could feel, he didn’t even purge his emotions. His mother wasn’t happy when he had told her he wanted to purge his emotions despite his father supported him. And he almost went through it—that was until the Vulcan Science Academy condemned his mother as a disadvantage. 

 

That was when he knew he couldn’t give them the satisfaction that he couldn’t handle his emotions until he needed to remove them permanently. So, he tried to contain them inside, made sure his decisions were always purely logical and never emotional. 

 

Perhaps he had failed in that department from the start when he had rejected the VSA when they condemned his mother. At that time, he had felt so much anger surging through his veins that if he could had lashed out, none of them would be able to stand straight once he was done with them. 

 

And he was—fine now when he finally could have a tight grip on his emotions. However, even after all these years, it was a bit unnerving when it only took Jim’s persistence for him to feel again. 

 

And affection nevertheless for the blond-haired cadet, Spock was the least to say unhappy with himself. 

 

He tried to work around this mess but every route ended up with him leaving Jim. As logical as the route sounded, he didn’t like the thought of not being able to see Jim again. 

 

He also knew that if he did decided to stay, he would be feeling more and more of this affection for the cadet until it turned into something more. His father had told him one time that he loved his mother. That was why he married her, because he loved her and it showed that Spock shouldn't be afraid to love somebody too. 

 

But Jim out of all people, it was illogical! 

 

Jim was the most illogical person he had ever met, always so rash in his decisions and he had this irritating belief in ‘no-win’ scenarios. It was preposterous for someone to be that optimistic. 

 

Spock opened his eyes and stared ahead for a second. 

 

He was _doomed_. 

 

***

 

Jim was talkative, he was loud and Spock could say, he was useless when it came to anything logical. However, the closer Spock inspected him, the more he got to know that Jim ever believed that his way of living was right was because of the environment he had grown up in. 

 

Spock didn’t mind Jim calling him by his name when they were alone now. It was almost exactly six months since they met, and Jim was indeed a fascinating human being to be with. Spock had never met someone like him, despite his negativities, Jim’s positivities were something to be proud of. 

 

The blond-haired cadet did his best in everything and he didn’t seem to back down from a challenge whenever Spock issued it to him. The affection that he had harboured for Jim was growing and it was causing lots of havoc in his mind. 

 

Vulcans needed a bond mate, and if he continued on this path, his primal instincts will deem Jim as his mate. It would be bad when he would be going through the Time. If he let himself think Jim as his mate, as his soon-to-be-lover, he was not going to survive through the Time. 

 

Spock knew that he needed to get rid of his feelings for Jim. It was only for the best. But every time he tried to meditate on removing it, the next time he would see Jim and the feelings would come rushing back in. 

 

The half-Vulcan never knew someone could make him feel like this, but Jim did. 

 

Without the blond-haired man even knew what he was doing to Spock, he would smile brightly whenever Spock would slip out his non-intentional jokes or he would laugh brightly whenever he thought Spock said something funny, and everything else would make Spock—fall for him even harder. 

 

“Hey,” Jim said, looking at Spock in the eyes. They were walking down the empty hallways of the academy. The half-Vulcan had just finished with his lecture and decided to stay back and finish grading the new batch of assignments. Jim appeared out of nowhere and joined him, silently reading his book as Spock worked. 

 

The silence made Spock realise, at that moment, that they fit. Jim and he; they fit well, because without meaning to, they understood each other. It shook Spock’s entire thoughts of affection from inside. 

 

It was growing, this feeling, and soon, it was going to completely cover Spock with it. The half-Vulcan had tried everything to move on, but he just couldn’t do it, not when Jim seemed as if he was encouraging it. It wasn’t obvious but Spock had heightened senses to know when something was different, even if it was a subtle change in someone or something. 

 

Jim had been acting a bit different, a bit more open with his emotions, a bit more everything that he was. His eyes brightened (as illogical as it sounded even to Spock, he couldn’t help but to begrudgingly agree that this was somewhat true in this case) whenever he spotted Spock. 

 

The blond-haired cadet would sit closer to him and sometimes, he would just stare at Spock as if he was trying to figure something out. 

 

“Yes?” Spock said as he continued to walk ahead, not looking at the cadet who was walking next to him. 

 

“Want to grab something to eat?” Jim asked. Spock did glance at him this time, raising his eyebrows in a manner of confusion. Jim chuckled before he rubbed the back of his neck. “No?”

 

Spock looked away from Jim and knew he should reject. His traitorous heart however did the talking for the first time. “We are friends, Jim,” Spock said cooly. “We could get dinner.”

 

Spock risked a glanced at Jim and was immediately taken back at how bright Jim’s grin was. He was practically shining. 

 

Spock knew right there and then that he couldn’t escape these feelings for Jim. 

 

He was truly gone. 

 

He should probably bid farewell to all his ‘Vulcanness'. (Spock was beginning to think he was losing his logicalness too as now he seemed to be using words that was not in the thesaurus. Jim…what had he done to him?)

 

***

 

It was around eight point two months when Jim came forth with his feelings. Spock was surprised with the declaration. Jim hadn’t been sleeping well judging from the way there were dark circles under his eyes. But Spock had no idea that it was his fault until Jim had spilled his heart out to him. 

 

Spock at first wanted to say that they could not do it. 

 

But Vulcans did not lie. 

 

He had wanted the same thing. He had wanted Jim. He might had been saving his face and grace and that was why he had kept his feelings hidden, he valued his friendship with Jim a lot but when the blond-haired cadet had expressed the same desire, to be with him, he could no longer hide this affection for him. 

 

That was the first time Spock had gone against any regulations, any rules, and agreed to be with Jim, to start a relationship with him. 

 

That was the first time Spock had decided to try for someone. 

 

Jim’s smile was the brightest that day, Spock noted. Spock also noted that his life felt the most logical at that that day too. 

 

***

 

Their relationship was something new to Spock. He had no prior experience with anyone in particular. He was once to be betrothed to another Vulcan named T’Pring. But she had expressed her desire that she did not want someone who was not a full Vulcan. 

 

His family wasn't happy but they had learned to accept the truth and left Spock alone. But now, his mind seemed to have found a compatible partner. Jim, despite he was human, had a mind that slotted perfectly with his. 

 

The liaison between them, for once in his life, was—special to Spock. 

 

But there were still some things that he wasn’t utterly fond of or knew how to deal with—such as the arguments they tend to get into without meaning to.

 

When they had their first fight, Spock remembered it was about something trivial and he did not understand why Jim was angry at him. 

 

“I do not see why you are upset,” Spock had said that day, frowning ever so lightly. Jim’s face was red with anger and his eyes were expressive, so much emotion that at that moment, Spock didn’t know how to deal with them. 

 

A spike of fear ran though his mind at that dilemma. Vulcans weren’t emotionally stoic as what other were led to believe. Their emotions ran deeper than anyone, they felt more than humans could. But Spock personally never had so much emotions being aimed at him, let it be love or happiness or anger. 

 

He had no idea honestly how to deal with this—anger and disappointment radiating from Jim. “You don’t see why I’m upset?” Jim asked indecorously. Spock knew he had angered Jim more and he was getting frustrated himself. 

 

What had Jim wanted from him? They were talking about their day and suddenly they ended up in an argument. Had Spock said something? Why was he being treated this way? 

 

“I believe I do not see the reason why you are currently upset,” Spock repeated himself when Jim didn’t continue. “You are being illogical, Jim.”

 

“ _Illogical_?” Jim asked, his voice rose an octave. “I’m not being illogical! I’m being really fucking rational here!”

 

“I believe you are being very irrational at the moment,” Spock shot back, frustrated. “I do not want to be subjected to your illogicalness because I did not warrant this.”

 

“Fuck you!” Jim yelled. “If you want logic so much, then go and find someone logical! Dammit Spock!”

 

Things went downhill afterwards, both spouting things they didn’t mean. When the frustration and anger left Spock, he felt a bitter taste in his mouth for the things he had said. He was astonished at himself at how easily he had gone from logic to irrational in matter of seconds. When he looked at Jim, he was staring back with hurt in those blue eyes. 

 

And Spock hated that look. 

 

“I apologise,” Spock said slowly and quietly. The hurt in the blue eyes didn’t relent. “I apologise. I—It is not what I meant, Jim.”

 

For a second, he thought Jim was going to end this. But the hurt lightened and regret washed in the blue orbs before he sagged his shoulders. Jim apologised and suddenly, everything was fine. Spock found the entire predicament slightly confusing. 

 

They were fine so easily, even when they seemed to have almost broken up a few moments ago. At that moment, the fear that was just thrumming in his veins increased. 

 

For the first time in his life, he realised he seemed to have underestimated the role of emotions in a relationship. It slightly—feared the half-Vulcan when he realised he couldn’t control his emotions, couldn’t handle the emotions being emitted at him. 

 

For a moment, Spock actually felt he was not-equipped for this. 

 

***

 

Spock remembered when he first met Leonard McCoy or Jim had so affectionally named him: Bones. The grumpy man did not like him at all and Spock honestly disliked the cadet as well. It was a mutual feeling and it was something that both party agreed on. 

 

Jim simply bit his bottom lip when Bones had stormed away, leaving Spock to wonder how it was possible for someone to be so distasteful. “Sorry, uh,” Jim said nervously. Spock glanced at him before he gave a nonchalant shrug. 

 

“I believe the sentiment is reciprocated,” he said without any worry. Jim looked at him properly before breaking out into a big grin. 

 

“Bones is always grumpy,” Jim explained. “And he just doesn’t like you because you’re…uhm, a hobgoblin.”

 

“A cold pointy-eared hobgoblin, I think was his precise words,” Spock said as his eyebrows twitched gently at the accusation. It was the first time a human had bluntly stared at him in the eyes and said those words. He knew some people in general thought of Vulcans like that, but this was the first time he heard them being spitted in front of his face. 

 

Jim’s face dyed in red and Spock touched his arm gently, feeling the soft thrums of nervousness pulsing into his mind. “Jim, do not worry. It is not your fault,” he said with a calm voice. The nervousness did not diminish but it lessened. 

 

Jim touched his face, his warmer fingers felt like a brand on him. “I know, I still would’ve liked it if you guys got along.”

 

“Perhaps that is all wishful thinking for now,” Spock said with a tilt of his lips. Jim chuckled before he nodded. Before Spock could comprehend what was happening, Jim had closed the distance between them and kissed him on the lips. Spock immediately closed his eyes and kissed him back, feeling the affection pouring into his mind without hesitation. 

 

It felt foreign to have to feel this much affection being aimed at him from someone who wasn’t his mother. It overwhelmed him occasionally, but he was careful not to show it. He knew he returned the sentiment. When they broke apart, Jim smiled happily before detangling himself from the half-Vulcan. 

 

It still scared Spock, he admitted, on the prospect of their relationship and how deep he had fallen for the blond-haired cadet. 

 

***

 

When Jim first allowed Spock to touch him more, to mind meld with him, everything was clear. His mind liked Jim’s mind, and the colours burst behind his eyelids every time their thoughts clashed. It was beautiful. It was breath-taking and Spock had wanted to just hold on a little longer just to feel them a bit more. 

 

He looked down on Jim that night as the cadet lied on his bed, sprawled underneath him with tears that seemed to be flowing from his eyes. For a second, he wondered if he had done something wrong and stopped moving. He tried to search for something that was hurting Jim, but he was taken back when he felt the sudden wash of—love. 

 

“Jim?”

 

“I’m f—fine,” Jim assured him, taking a deep breath and smiling at him. Spock found the tears mesmerising on the blond-haired man. He pushed the wet hair from his face, watching intently. 

 

That night, Jim had hugged him tight, bringing them closer than they could possibly be, and just holding onto the half-Vulcan like he didn’t want this to end. Spock could feel the emotions that was running through his heart, his mind and again, fear spiked in his own mind, wondering how to handle these emotions. 

 

But he was careful enough to shield it from Jim knowing. “I love you.”

 

Jim had told him he loved Spock that night and the half-Vulcan…froze. He took a few seconds to let the words sink in his mind but when it clicked in his consciousness, he found the words hard to say back. He wanted to, he really did, but there was something in him that didn’t let him. 

 

It was too soon, his mind preached. So, he just showered Jim with his affections through his mind, through his body and actions. Jim didn’t say anything about the lack of response but the glow of satisfaction on Jim’s face told Spock he didn’t mind if he didn’t hear it back. 

 

Spock felt guilty even so. 

 

***

 

Time passed by and their relationship started to develop into something comfortable, something sure, something that the half-Vulcan didn’t think was possible to have. It felt—logical. 

 

But Spock knew life was never this relaxing unless it was planning something else. 

 

By the time Spock was in his last year teaching, he knew that something wasn’t right with them anymore. 

 

Jim had been acting off. His behaviour was erratic, irrational and he was always trying to push Spock’s buttons. The half-Vulcan seemed to be confused to what Jim really wanted. It would be that one time, they would be fine, and the next, they were ten feet away from each other, wanting space to breathe. 

 

Spock wasn’t unobservant, he knew something was bothering Jim. He wanted to broach the subject a few times, but whenever he wanted to, Jim would just smile or look at him as if he was talking nonsense. That look, that look of innocence was always something that Spock hated. 

 

It didn’t take long for Spock to connect the dots with their problems to one particular cadet in his third year xenolinguistics class. 

 

Her name was Nyota Uhura and she was an excellent student in his class. Her interest and in depth research about all the languages were fascinating to him. He liked her as she was also logical and always doing her best in everything she did. Spock admired her ability to learn multiple languages with ease, something that seventy percent of the human race had a hard time doing. 

 

Spock knew he talked about Uhura a lot whenever Jim asked about his day but it was only because he expressed upmost satisfaction in her work. Jim would grow silent whenever Spock said things like, ‘Uhura is a fascinating individual’ or ‘Uhura is an exceptional cadet’. The problem was, Spock didn’t how to make Jim feel that he was even more fascinated with Jim instead. 

 

The ultimate problem was, he thought for a moment that Jim believed in him, trusted him. 

 

The problem was, Spock didn’t try and resolve this misunderstanding even when he knew about it all because he thought Jim would figure it out on his own that he was only the ever one Spock loved. 

 

That he cherished. 

 

It was Spock’s fault for their fallout at the end of the day. 

 

However, despite it all, it still hurt. 

 

***

 

The first time Uhura had approached him, it was after the lecture and she walked up to his desk with a brilliant smile. “Professor, I must say, the lecture today was absolutely fascinating,” she said, her cheeks glowing in pride. 

 

Spock relished in that information before he nodded. “I am glad it was informative as well as interesting.”

 

“It was indeed,” Uhura agreed. “I always knew that you will be an amazing professor. I was actually really excited when I realised you’ll be teaching the third year xenolinguistics class.”

 

Spock tilted his lips upwards a bit, indulging her that he was happy to hear that. “I am glad, as I said before, that I had been able to provide a good lecture. Now if you will excuse me, cadet, I have to be somewhere else unless you have any other things to discuss about?”

 

Uhura grinned widely before she pulled out her PADD and handed it to Spock. “This is the latest literature out about the Klingon culture,” she said as she shrugged. “I was hoping we will be able to discuss about the facts in there in depth one day.”

 

Spock studied the content briefly before he nodded. “I will be honoured to debate with you about this,” he said, handing the tablet back to her. “Perhaps you could set the occasion with me another time ?”

 

“Preferably soon,” Uhura said, her eyes glimmered with excitement. 

 

“Soon it is,” Spock agreed before he nodded at her and decided to leave. 

 

Spock was to say, glad that he had found a student who wanted to know more than what the syllabus was providing them. It was a refreshing experience. The last person that had caught his attention like this was Jim. His lips quirked upwards when he thought about the blond-haired cadet. 

 

Despite their turbulence, he still wanted to believe that there was something left to save between them. 

 

But by the time Spock knew how deep their problems ran, it was too late to save anything and everything between them crumbled. 

 

***

 

The lack of time, the lack of attention, the lack of everything finally worn the both of them out. Jim was yelling at him again at the entrance of his apartment, telling him to go away, to leave him alone. Spock found himself getting frustrated, annoyed, hurt that Jim couldn’t understand what he was going through. 

 

He had so many things on his plate, he could hardly breathe. The only thing keeping his composure was the years of training in maintaining self balance. But even that was crumbling slightly when Jim wouldn’t give him a peace of mind. 

 

“I need you to be here for me, Spock!” Jim had yelled at him, pushing him harshly away when Spock tried to touch him. “You can’t tell me you’re fucking busy all the time!”

 

“But I am telling the truth,” Spock said, his voice was hoarse. “I did not do this on purpose, Jim.”

 

“That’s what you keep on saying, Spock,” Jim said, his voice was shaking and his eyes were filled with hurt. Spock hated that look on his face, not when they just had another fall out not more than three point six months ago. Spock had forced himself on Jim that time, just to avoid the blond-haired man from leaving him. 

 

It was a shameful thing he had done and he was still half-shocked on who he had become. 

 

He promised to Jim he would try to be better. But now, it was as if the promise was growing bleak. 

 

“Jim,” Spock said as he huffed out his breath. “Why do you not understand that I do not have the time anymore for this illogicalness? I do not have the time to always argue with you.”

 

“Oh, so it’s my fault then?” Jim bit out harshly. “Goddamnit, I can’t believe I thought we were going to be fine!” 

 

Spock knew right there and then…something was about to break. Spock refused to say anything else however, when the fear spiked once again in his mind when he thought about the end of them. Jim walked away from Spock that day, angry and disappointed, Spock could see from the way Jim carried himself. 

 

But there was just so much a half-Vulcan like him could go through. He had slammed the door harshly that day and wasn’t surprised to see cracks on the door. He leaned his forehead against the door and closed his eyes. 

 

They were going to die if they kept this up. 

 

Spock could feel some spots of remorse in his mind, and for the first time after so long, he wondered if he had done the right thing by being with Jim. 

 

***

 

Everything came to a head the day they received the message from Starfleet, issuing them to their ships for their first assignment. Spock was proud to know that he was chosen to be working in U.S.S Enterprise, but Jim wasn’t that lucky. 

 

When he looked at Jim that day, he knew that they were about to cross a line they wouldn’t be able to come back from. 

 

Words were said, hearts were broken and before Spock knew it, they were done. All the insecurities, all the anger and disappointment, finally came and opened a new wound in Spock’s heart. Jim apologised, he apologised but they were just hollow words. 

 

“I love you,” Jim said. “But I can’t do this anymore if we keep on fighting and I—I know what I saw, Spock.”

 

It hurt Spock to know that he would ever think Spock didn’t love him just because of Uhura. Uhura had become someone important in Spock’s life, with her quick wit and logicalness. She was fascinating to talk to and she was a good friend. 

 

Jim however was someone who Spock wanted to be with, until the end, if he could. But there was nothing he could do when Jim wouldn’t even believe him. The trust that he had on Jim shattered that day, as if it was easy to break. 

 

“Your eyes are merely deceiving you,” Spock said, this time sounding softer. He wanted to change Jim’s mind, tell him everything he needed to hear, just to be assured that Spock wasn’t going anywhere. But—he couldn’t do this anymore. 

 

They could not function well when none would give and take. Spock didn’t want to fight anymore and Jim didn’t want to trust him. “However, I am unable to—to process this information you have accused me of at the moment. I believe that if there is no trust in a relationship, it is futile for us to remain together.”

 

This was the end, Spock said definitely in his head. The hurt that wrenched him away from his breath stopped him from saying anything else. Jim sighed as he took a step back.

 

“I’m sorry,” Jim said finally as he looked at Spock in the eyes. “I haven’t—I’m sorry I haven’t been that good of a lover for you. I’m emotional, rash and bashful, even if I don’t sound like it. I can’t—I can’t be logical even if my life depended on it. I just do what I think is right. I’m sorry if I hurt you, Spock.”

 

The half-Vulcan wanted to disagree to whatever Jim was saying because Spock had never seen him that way and even if he did, it was with upmost affection. But right now, everything hurt. Everything felt wrong. 

 

Spock remained quiet before he gave out a tense nod. “I believe the sentiment is reciprocated.”

 

It was the best he could say. 

 

“This’ll give us time, you know,” Jim said as he pointed to the sky. “You and I serving for different ships. This’ll—this’ll be good for us. Maybe we need some space. Who knows, maybe the next time I see you, you changed your mind about me.”

 

Spock didn’t want that. Did Jim want that? He looked at Jim and tried to take a step forward, knowing there was still something in him that wanted to hold onto Jim tight. But the look on Jim’s face had him halting again. 

 

Jim did want to leave and he had no right to stop him from doing so. 

 

Spock opened his mouth, to say something but then he closed it again after a minute. He nodded in agreement as he clutched his PADD tight, the edges cracking slightly. “Goodbye, Jim.”

 

He looked away as he heard Jim’s last words, “Goodbye, Spock. And…good luck.”

 

Vulcans do not need luck, he said bitterly in his head as he heard Jim walking away. As he finally looked back, Jim was already walking far away from him. The distance between them felt colder and further than he liked to know. 

 

His heart gave a sharp squeeze and the disappointment and hurt morphed into anger. He cracked the PADD into half as he sat back down on the bench, tossing the tablet next to him and stared ahead. 

 

He felt—empty. Logically, Spock knew this was where they were headed when their relationship started going downhill. 

 

But just for a second, Spock willed himself to believe, out of all rationality, that they were fine, that they could get over this. Jim proved it all wrong with just one look, with just a few words. 

 

Jim made him felt like he was wrong without much effort. 

 

Spock used to be so confident about himself, about how he carried himself. It only took Jim to change that and to leave him feeling nothing like himself. He found himself resenting Jim for who he had become. 

 

When had he become so immature, so irrational, so— _human_?

 

It prickled something cold in his chest as he stood up and walked away, his emotions purging from him. The anger boiled away to just resignation by the time he ended up in his office. Uhura caught him after his class and her face changed when she saw his face. 

 

She had sat next to him on the couch, looking at him properly. It only took a few minutes before she seemed to have understood what was going on and sighed. “It’s Jim, isn’t it?” she asked. 

 

Spock went rigid at his name. “I do not know what you mean.”

 

“Oh, don’t act dumb, Spock,” Uhura said with a frown. “I know you and Jim had been together for a while now. Did you think I was dumb?”

 

Spock didn’t disagree to her statement but he didn’t say anything to confirm it either. He glanced at Uhura who was watching him intently. Before he knew it, he told her everything, from how they met to how they broke up. 

 

Uhura listened to him but she didn’t say anything, instead, she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tight. Spock used to hate other people touching him but for once, he welcomed this. He felt the sympathy pulsing through her skin and slight anger. 

 

“Nyota, you do not have any reason to be angry,” Spock said slowly. She pulled away as she frowned heavily at him. 

 

“Of course I do! You’re my friend, Spock,” she said. “I care about you.”

 

Spock looked at her and raised his eyebrows when the words registered in his head. He was grateful that she considered him as a friend. “I see you as my friend too, Nyota.”

 

Uhura smiled brightly at him before she sighed. “Everything’ll be fine.”

 

“Will it?” Spock asked as he looked away from her. “I believed we were fine. I believed that if we tried hard enough, we would not be here. It seemed that it was my fault.”

 

“It’s not,” Uhura said slowly. “It takes two to tango, you know.”

 

Spock furrowed his eyebrows at her metaphor. She laughed as she shook her head. “Not literally. It means, it takes two people to create this mess. It’s not just your fault, it’s his too.”

 

Spock tilted his lips upwards a bit but even if that was the truth, it still did not help with this emptiness in his heart. He had considered Jim as his forever. Now that forever seemed to be nothing but a fantasy, Spock was back to square one. 

 

He needed to meditate. 

 

Spock decided that he would focus on his job from now on. His feelings would be closed off, he would be professional and he would not let this drag him down. Maybe time would heal him. 

 

He could only hope, uncharacteristically him. 

 

 


End file.
